stand down. do not head for high ground or arm yourself to the teeth. do not cancel your family trip to where the undead UNCLE WALT pores over the bones of European folk tales in his luxury air-conditioned charnel house. the great state of Florida is NOT, for now, as previously reported, the sparking point of the undead inferno that shall one day engulf our world of shopping malls, call centres and fast food outlets.
turns out that the feller who ate another chap's face in Miami last week was not a reanimated corpse or a victim of the RAGE virus. it's much more mundane. blame has been directed at a "new potent form of LSD"*. both the deceased (and apparently not subsequently reanimated) perpetrator and the disfigured victim seem to have been homeless men, of which the world's richest and most powerful country has a plentiful supply. no word yet on why both were naked or on how big a supply exists of this horrific new LSD variant. if it's widely available in south Florida, and if cannibalistic side-effects are set to be a recurrent feature of its use, then perhaps trips to Miami should be treated with a degree of caution.
keep calm and carry on and all that bollocks then. get on the plane to the parks and the larks and the cheap fat & protein.
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*though the famed entertainer Alex Jones would have it that the LSD angle is B.S. - in his world, more and more of us will soon be lunching on faces, this being the fallout from our diet of fluoride, artificial sweeteners and flu jabs. for the gravel-voice libertarian and New World Order worrier, every time you see a dopey kid or hear about someone texting while driving, you're noticing the early stages of his imagined slow-burn zombie apocalypse. lo-cal fizzy drink, anyone?
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