Monday 30 November 2015

DAVE PEELS ANOTHER FACE OFF

that David Cameron is everywhere. has always been everywhere. why, even though he's just 49 years old, he was singing patriotic songs as a member of the Red Army back in the early 1970s. these days, when he's not making the case for bombing Syria, he's appearing in one of the misleading pictures accompanying those annoying links you see courtesy of clickbait merchants like RevContent, OutBrain etc, whenever you read anything anywhere. the photo, it has to be said, may give some insight into how Cameron, at "49", has a forehead smoother than a baby's:

Friday 20 November 2015

COMMODITISATION OF EDGY

it isn't edgy whatever edgy is even supposed to mean when some dick spends his trust fund on a coffee shop whose schtick is being cuntishly and unfunnily mean to women poor people etc. and "pulling" pork definitely isn't edgy now fucking maccy dees are into it and it wasn't anyway even when it was all artisan and beards and tattoos and allllll thattttttttttttt

Saturday 7 November 2015

VERSED IN WORDLESS ACTS

"Perhaps love finds its most perfect expression in a gesture. Her hand curved around his hand. The human memory is deeply versed in wordless acts, best at retaining the quiet moments of tentative contact..."
from Julia by Otto de Kat

Another moment, then, when fiction rings truer than truth, with a few lines of a novel adding weight and substance to a notion I've had somewhere towards the tip of my own tongue for many years. It's been there for about 20 years now, placed, I am sure, by the echo of an instant that has never left me.

I am lying in the dark in a narrow bed in a back bedroom of a second floor flat in ulica Kielecka in Kraków. I believe the girl lying next to me is fast asleep. Somehow, in shifting the position of her body, she places her foot lightly against my calf. The sole of her foot rests there for a while, feeling cool at first but growing warmer from the contact. Its imprint hasn't faded.

Thursday 22 October 2015

Wednesday 14 October 2015

GAMES AND NEEDS

It's a long story, but I've ended up playing D&D (AD&D 1E, in fact) again after a gap of way more than 20 years. I dusted off the old rulebooks and starting preparing a few adventures feeling sure that my interest in the game would peter out very quickly. But that's not how it's turned out. I've been finding not only the actual game sessions but also the prep (way, way easier in the digital age than it was in the 1980's) to be much more enjoyable than I'd anticipated. I know, right? Nerdtastic. Anyhow, while doing some of the aforesaid prep, I stumbled upon an infographic (author unknown) which may tickle anyone familiar with both RPGs and Maslow's hierarchy of needs:


Sunday 13 September 2015

THE CORRUPT

The corrupt cannot imagine people different from themselves; they can only imagine people who have succeeded in hiding their true nature.

Danilo Kiš, The Book of Kings and Fools


Tuesday 8 September 2015

the changing of the seasons

caramel coloured feet
and pale blue toenails,
out,
even as the sky sets into its blank whiteness
for the long sunless autumn
and the winter beyond it,
on this windy rock
in a chilly sea.

Sunday 26 July 2015

up and down all morning

years and years ago,
when we were all  big bullshitters,
I had this mate and
my god
he could spin a yarn.
like he told me
that this one sunday morning
he'd been out all night
somewhere in town

and that
he'd got on the northern line,
heading home to wimbledon,
still off his head,
(pills,
puff,
lager),
sweating,
smelled bad,
white jeans all stained
and cigarette burns
on his shirt
and
normal people staring at him,

and that
his eyes had closed

and that
when they opened again,
he was dazzled in the hot glare of daylight

and that he was passing through east finchley,
heading north,

as in he had supposedly been passed out all the way south to morden
and then all the way north on the way back up to high barnet.

well, I didn't believe him
but it was one of those clubland boasts,
one of those ecstasy war stories.
so I was probably all like "what are you like, you nutter."

ROYAL OAK

Thursday 25 June 2015

GREETINGS FROM JOSHUA BONEHILL-PAINE




DELETED TWEET; SEEMS LIKE A NICE BOY

and the

the snake bites the deer
as it grazes in the shade.
and the sweating mothers labour us,
wailing,
into the world.
and the bag of blind kittens is tossed into the sea
where the fish dies in terror
in the entrails of the whale,
and the whale dies in terror,
barnacled,
beaching,
in the holiday sun.
and the light fades in the eyes of the impotent tiger,
and the beauty of the flowers is a ruse,
and the butterfly's joy doesn't last,
and the lovers' embrace is uneven,
and the teeth rot in the mouth while the dentist plays golf.
and the lepers know horror,
and the sperm stains your underpants,
and the metamorphosis of the breasts
marks the time








this is pretty derivative, drawing heavily on a few lines of prose from the short story Simon Magus by Danilo Kiš 

Thursday 28 May 2015

it's not too late

I open up the emails and the first one,
from a mobile phone company,
says it's not too late
to get to glastonbury.

and I look at decades of photos on the wall,
and at the mess of the thing I've been trying to do all these weeks.

and I think of when I started feeling older than everyone around,
more than 15 years ago now,
and I think
you people don't know me.

Tuesday 26 May 2015

DESTRUCTION OF A PROPERTY

ABOUT 18 MONTHS AGO I WAS DOING MY SECOND STINT WORKING AMONG THE WANKERS AND WALLS OF HOXTON/SHOREDITCH. DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE MUCH. BUT YOU CAN TAKE NICE SELFCONSCIOUSLYMEANINGLESS PICTURES. USED TO GO FOR LONG, DARKMOODED LUNCHTIME STROLLS OR MOOCH AROUND A BIT ON/NEAR RAVEY STREET. IT WAS CHANGING THEN. CHANGECHANGECHANGE. HAS CHANGED MORE NOW. CUZ LONDON NEEDS MORE BOUTIQUEYCLIQUEY HOTELS, SHOPUNITS WITH CUNTYFADFOOD OUTLETS TOPPED BY STRATOSPHERICALLY PRICEY FLATS IN NEIGHBOURHOODS WHERE YOU NEVERTHELESS HAVE TO STEP IN VOMIT AND BROKEN GLASS ON THE WAY "HOME". LAST TIME I LOOKED IT LOOKED LIKE THIS:



Wednesday 20 May 2015

BACK TO FICTION

Have you ever heard anyone airily dismiss the reading of fiction as "unproductive" or a "waste of time"? Like you're meant to be reading supposedly self-improving business books or whatnot, all with a view to learning how to kiss arse more effectively or rip people off more efficiently and thereby do your duty as a social climbing, aspirational and hardworking unit of production and consumption. 

I've never actually bought that line. I was always an avid reader of fiction, even before learning that there exists a rather utilitarian explanation of the value of spending time on people who never existed and things that never happened (sometimes in places that never existed). Schema theory contends that we build mental structures of preconceived ideas, each such framework representing an aspect of the world we live in. These schemata influence how we absorb new information and ideas, allowing people not to waste the brain's processing power puzzling over phenomena which conform to their pre-existing calculations about how stuff works. Most of us in developed countries have each been to lots of different restaurants on many, many occasions. So you have built a restaurant schema built from your observations about things like how a dining area is laid out, how table service works, appropriate ways of interacting with the waiting staff and when you're expected to pay for your meal. Every now and then you find yourself in a restaurant which offers challenges to that restaurant schema. Perhaps you're in Portugal, tucking into small savoury items and bread rolls brought to your table before you've even read a menu. At the end of the meal you're surprised to learn that you have been charged for them. Or perhaps you go to a sushi bar with dishes on a conveyor belt for the first time. Either way, your brain will work hardest to make sense of anything which is new. Anything familiar (e.g. credit cards are accepted and this is made clear by a prominent sticker you see upon entering) requires much less processing power. Each new eaterie you visit offers opportunities for you to refresh your restaurant schema. That said, schemata are highly resistant to change and will only be significantly revised in the face of a critical mass of information which challenges their key assumptions.

An example of a strong challenge to my own restaurant schema concerns dining in Poland. When I first visited that country in 1993, most traditional restaurants offering table service and a relatively formal atmosphere featured something I had never observed at home in the UK - an old lady sitting at the entrance to the WC and expecting to receive a small cash tip for, as far as I could see, doing absolutely nothing. So I quickly adjusted my restaurant schema to account for this. It therefore quickly became an automatic habit to ensure I had a small denomination banknote (there were no coins in circulation in Poland at that precise time) on my person each time I went for a meal. Over time, however, the practice of having the WC staffed in this way fell out of fashion and my (Polish) restaurant schema needed to be revised again.

Where does fiction fit into this? Well, I contend that each time we walk in the shoes of some narrator in some book, we get to challenge our schemata. You certainly can't literally become another person and you probably won't visit most of the places or experience many of the events you read about in novels - definitely not in the case of stories set before you were born or in the imagined future. Literature, then, allows you to try out new ideas and new ways of using language to describe concepts and phenomena. It enables you to stretch and refresh the assumptions built up through your own limited observations and experiences. It does all this, moreover, very efficiently.

I reflected on this when I recently realised that my life's practical preoccupations had prevented me from reading any fiction since DECEMBER LAST YEAR. Such a long break from enjoying novels or short stories is without precedent in my adult life. I won't allow it to happen again. So I put aside what turned out to be a very boring and somewhat depressing examination of how UK governments waste money and picked up a slim volume of Vonnegut short stories. It's put a spring into my step at a time when that's no bad thing.

Monday 11 May 2015

THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

LONG OVERDUE UPDATE (LAST ONE WAS IN 2012) ON TWITTER ACCOUNTS THAT BLOCK this is my england.
  • Louise Mensch
  • Nadine Dorries
  • Guido Fawkes
  • Grace Dent
  • George Galloway
  • Nick Griffin
  • Douglas Carswell
  • Toby Young
  • James Delingpole
  • Melanie Phillips
  • Jay Bothroyd
  • Richard Keys
  • Mike Gaukin
  • Joshua Bonehill-Paine (several incarnations thereof)
  • Tim Lovejoy
  • Fraser Nelson
  • Max Keiser
  • Ian Millard
NOTE: HAVE NEVER TWEETED ABUSIVE/FOUL LANGUAGE, INSULTS ETC. TO ANY OF THESE.

Monday 27 April 2015

ARE YOU A COCKROACH?

Up in Manchester, a very frail woman is approaching her one hundredth birthday. When I first met her more than ten years ago she was still a very alert and lucid conversationalist, albeit one who spoke slowly and quietly. Now, though, it's not clear that she always knows where she is and with whom she is speaking. Inevitable, of course. But still sad.

For my nine-year old son, the fading away of this elderly lady  - his great grandmother - means that he'll never have the chance to learn from a living relative who can remember his maternal family's most turbulent times.

She came to the the north of England from Berlin via Amsterdam in the late 1930s, her parents, aunts and uncles having had the foresight to cash in their assets and scatter their offspring around the world before it became impossible for German Jews to escape the impending slaughter.

I had this in mind when my son and I recently visited London's Imperial War Museum. He's an inquisitive kid, very keen not to be fobbed off with watered down explanations of complicated truths. He also knows something of his family history. So although the museum's Holocaust Exhibition is officially not recommended for children under the age of fourteen, he and I decided together that he should see it. Speaking with him as we travelled to the museum, I really laboured the point about how distressing this particular exhibition might be for him. But he wanted to see it. So he did.

The whole thing, of course, is horrifying. But what interested me most about my son's reactions was that he visibly felt anger as well as sadness and revulsion. One of the things that angered him most was to learn that his great grandma and her fellow German Jews had been referred to as a "disease" or a "contagion", first by the operatives of the state propaganda machine in their native country and, as the effects of that propaganda took hold, by a bigger and bigger percentage of ordinary German citizens.

At the age of nine, my son understood that it's possible for powerful, well-resourced organisations to dehumanise and demonise an entire group of people. He understood that constant and noisy repetition of these ideas can legitimise them in the minds of millions of people. He understood where this can lead.

Language creates reality. It's so much easier to ignore or even encourage the murder of human beings if they're thought of not as parents or neighbours but as vermin, bacteria or a virus. Dirty, dangerous and less than human. How horrible it was then, as recently as 1994, when Rwandan radio stations incited Hutu people to violence using these words: "You have to kill the Tutsis. They are cockroaches". Maybe you remember that. Maybe you remember feeling glad that you lived somewhere more civilised.

As I walked away from the museum discussing what we'd just seen with my son, I didn't know that one week later, here in 21st Century Britain, the country's best-selling newspaper would carry an article in which migrants from Africa and the Middle East would be described as "cockroaches" and likened to the norovirus. 

To the best of my knowledge, neither the proprietor nor the editor of that newspaper have expressed any regret at the columnist's choice of words. So I conclude that they see nothing disturbing in it. Maybe you see nothing disturbing in it. But I really hope you do. 

Thursday 26 March 2015

those dogs

those dogs. you know those fucking dogs. bull terriers? staffordshire bull terriers? pitbulls? pitbull terriers? all those bloody things. low to the ground. thick with muscle. vise-like jaws. straining at the leash. gasping with impatience. muzzle the thing, dammit. don't let it run free. there are children around. those things. those things. the eyes look blankly malignant. sudden, inexplicable rage and spite. why does anyone want one? why?

why? well, look at this guy here. life hasn't been good to him. he isn't in charge of anybody. someone pushes him around every day wherever he works. the walls are closing in. not much cash. not much idea. he's disappointed. everyone's a prick, he's thinking. I'll fucking show them, he thinks. I'll buy one of those fucking dogs. I'll take it out. anyone looks nervously at the fucking thing and I'll stare the cunt out, he thinks.


SAYS: DON'T WORRY MATE. HE'S FRIENDLY. HE'S ONLY BEING FRIENDLY.


MEANS: YOU FUCKING WEAK LITTLE PRICK. SCARED, ARE YOU? BET YOU FUCKING ARE.

let's turn left here. let's keep out of the way of him and his fucking dog. he's looking for trouble. let someone else give it to him.


WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MATE? DON'T LIKE DOGS? FUUUUCK OFFFFF.