ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS

we were in the car
and my wife said
everyone on Facebook is complaining
about Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip.

so I was like:
who is complaining? what are they saying?
mums, she said. they are all in the cinema, with kids.
enduring Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip,
and, like, it's really terrible, the
worst thing ever.

it's the voices, I imagine, I said.
those fucking voices...

look, I continued,
I'd take a kid to see that movie
so long as I got to take something that took me out of myself.
like I'd go if I could take valium.
or heroin, maybe.
or, like, OxyContin.

MY DESCENT INTO DRUGS HELL
the headline would shout, leading to...
"it all started when I needed something
to take the edge off Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip"